During my early grieving periods of Harshad's passing, I had extreme pain in my lower body and I constantly fainted. Two to three times, I had paralysis in my lower body and my sisters had to hold me to reach my bed. Reaching two steps took 20 minutes. That is when my younger sis Irum took my to a gynecologist. The gynaec told me that I need to get operated immediately as the tumor even if benign was spreading in every lower part of my body. Ovaries, uterus, sternum, bladder, everything below my waist. And the only way out was immediate surgery else I would not be able to function after a month. Even in that grief, I did not believe a word she said. I knew I had caused it myself unconsciously through the chemicals that sorrow secretes. So it is me who will heal myself. She wrote the medicines I need to take till surgery. My loving sister bought them all. I took none. I respect the doctor, but I knew that I knew better.  |
my sis
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I was then taken for a thyroid test by my dad. Normal is between 0.4 mu to 4 mu. I don’t remember the units well, nor do I want to. Anything above 4 is not normal. Mine was 13. I was again given medicines by another doctor to be taken for a life time. I took none. I knew he wished well for me, but I did not believe in his understanding of human body or at least human spirit. Somethings are not taught that in schools.
In that state I came to Bombay all alone, knowing I was not alone. I was with myself.
On one night of December 2017, I stood in front of the mirror and told myself very clearly - “Sanober, you’ve been through enough. Now I’m gonna give you EVERY SINGLE THING that has been taken away from you and MORE. Just wait and watch. Hold my hand and come with me. This is gonna be a fun magical ride. For now cry as much as you want to. These tears are the last of the lot for this lifetime.”
That night I sat under the space of my window and cried all night. In the morning I went back to the mirror and my reflection wiped her tears and spoke, “I’m ready”. I went to MC Donald's I treated my self a great breakfast. For the first time after a long time, I ate with joy in my heart.
And since that day I fell in love with myself. How could I not love this self of mine, who’s been with me in all this shit, and still not given up on me. Slowly I started feeling the love in my chest. I started going in trance by myself. The love in the chest spread throughout the body. I started understanding Rumi better, William Blake better and Kabir better. I started understanding the Sufis better and the Hindu vedas better. I became a deep empath because I was not feeling for others, I was feeling for myself in a way. Even if I ever separated others from me, I knew they had their own journey and everybody was always right. We all are heading the same direction. 
Now whatever I did, for others or for myself, I did it with complete sincerity. I was so much in love with life in general. I was proud of myself in the most humble way. And I was proud of everyone else for everything they did - good or bad. I just felt this love, which you can’t explain.
I started spending more and more time, doing nothing. When I did nothing, more good things happened. I did nothing because I had this unwavering faith in my inner doing.
After a while I just realized, all my symptoms of my illnesses had gone - be it the benign tumor, restless leg syndrome and thyroid. I got myself checked. I had healed completely with no trace of any of the three. I was tumor free, hyperthyroid free, RLS free. Love had transformed itself into medicine.
I had healed myself. :)
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